I guess this has become a common occurrence during my JC life, a fucking wonderful one it has been. I set myself some crazy ass, high-up-in-the-sky expectations that could have been achieved with some good old diligence and determination, only to ignore or forget about them through a lack of initiative and a bout of laziness, fucking A. Looking down on myself and moaning about those lost opportunities is seriously doing wonders to my screwed up self esteem. This non-physical version of wrist cutting (it finally hit me) just makes things worse I guess, turning me into a more pessimistic version of thyself, with the mindset not dissimilar to that of the followers of that emo subculture whom I often despise. Yuck. No wonder I could not find any motivation to study for my JCT until now, and even then, I am running on desperation and urgency, nothing that fuels me even contains a pinch of motivation or vitality. All I have done, and perhaps, am still doing, is to search for any avenues of entertainment, video games, the internet, social gatherings, ec cetera. Any activities of academic value, perhaps, but the amount of time spent on them is rather miniscule. Optimism, bah!
Having the frequent habit of constantly looking at Facebook posts, photographs and videos from the past, is at times...heart-wrenching. Reminiscing about the past, when I thought that graduation will never come, and that the future is so far away, dreaming about it and messing around in the present isn't going to do any harm. Such a juvenile mindset, and yet, it brought me peace and contentment. Of course there were numerous ups and downs in those 4 years, yet, compared to my present situation...gosh, I don't know.
To be honest, my current J1 experiences could be similar to life as a Secondary One student, in the time of Rihanna's "Umbrella" and when the N70 was still reasonably new. I had new things to learn, my results were shit (except for a few), NPCC was tough (yes, but was a vacation compared to that PDP I left) and I had my social issues. Yet, this comparison is rather unfair, my life in TJC is much more complicated, indeed I do have the perks of being a student from a more or less established institution, and I am surrounded (not sure about motivated) by people of the same calibre (according to the MOE). As a Bedok Viewian, however, the life was simple. Of course CCA, lessons, moderate amounts of school work and 10+ hours of tuition per week might seem like a lot, but many often miss out on several factors, the huge amounts of free chronological material untouched by these activities, the miniscule amounts of stress that only spike for very, very brief moments, everyone was virtually carefree (to a certain extent).Carefree...ha! What a luxury it is to be carefree, and if one knows his economics, it carries a HUGE opportunity cost for a JC student. Sure, one can slack and "lepak" his way through the school year, the only thing is that he will have to repeat that school year all over again once his promotional results come in, might as well quit schooling altogether (or maybe enroll into a Poly, heard that life's good there).
Even though the past was indeed better, I can't do much about it. Reverting back to beige and white from Temasek green would be a fucking stupid idea. The school has changed quite a bit, most of the people I know and care about are already gone, it's not the BVSS that I am used to. Such is the unfairness of life, wonder why we bother living it when there's a 100% chance of dying in the first place? So now, all I can do is to do my best, and prepare for the worst, or attempt to anyway. I just can't concentrate with all the distractions around me, plus I do not have much time left.
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