Mundane routines of hard work and meagre salvation

Another day as a JC student, another day of mugging, human Xeroxes, PW woes and the like. The fact that I have 2 tests ahead of me isn't helping much, damned history, to think I am planning to study it at university level. I guess my fingerprints will soon be wiped off the face of the Earth through friction.

Tried spicing up things for once, by showing the class the 1984 movie, Nineteen-Eighty Four (nice timing eh?) in GP today. Not that it helped much. I guess such films should only be watched if one has had the time to read the book or (at the very least) knows the gist of things. The movie isn't Due Date, but certain scenes aren't going to help it in the board of censors arsewipes, not a very good sign there. Mrs Lau may call it a valiant attempt to "enlighten" or "introduce" the class about the ideas surrounding the book (bless her, and this is from a freethinker), but the next time I am having playing a movie in class, it will be either Hot Fuzz or Rambo, either will suffice. (Hopefully the 20 girls in my class of 25 might have the hots for Sylvester Stallone, or Simon pegg) I just hope my "valiant" attempt does not label me as a person of ill repute, even though it is not very likely.

On other matters, I've just created my own Tumblr page (that is SO individualistic). It's as cliche as heck but it might be a good way of expressing my daily emotions......nah. I think I will just spam "nigga stole my bike" all over the damned thing. If anyone has an imbecilic wish for death via boredom, here's the link. And yes, I do know what "Sieg heil" and "Shalom" means, and yes, I am being a douche.

Finally, got to do something that is significant.

Today...no, make that yesterday, woke up at six plus, all tired and aching. Had a miserable shower before a meagre breakfast that preced the lugging of my NPCC uniform to school along with my backpack, all before 0700, all because of one thing, TJC's National Day "Parade". And I am the Parade Commander, something that I never was in my days in BV NPCC. All the trainings and uniform preparations would have to pay off then, or I was to have another cock-up to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Less than 30 minutes, following a last minute rehearsal, I was standing at rest, alone, in front of the rock wall, trying not to move an inch while waves of TJCians moved to the assembly grounds. Most of them left me alone, but a couple of PRCs just had to act like fucking idiots around me, no offence, but oh how I wish I could just shoo them away like flies, thank goodness they left before my patience ran out.

What happened next after the ceremony started would be too long-winded a story, but I do remember the details properly. The anxiety that gripped me at the start. The first few commands being accompanied by a shivering right knee. I think my voice cracked once or twice. And the damned microphone prevented me from doing my stationary drills properly (I did my best), I should have anticipated its presence. Still, I guess I did, at the very least, reasonably well for my role as a PC, especially when this was the first, and probably last time I will have such a role.

As I marched off the parade grounds with the flag party, I felt so proud of myself. I finally did something significant, especially when it's in front of the whole school. Of course, the praises I've received were not just the mere icing on the cake, not that I got many of them, but they mattered so much to me. I might sound like an insecure son of a bitch, but they somehow indicated that I am someone who mattered, someone who is not exactly excellent at, but at least capable of doing something right. Hey, it's not everyday when Mr Tan would come up to you and said something that probably contained the words "impressed" and "surprised the whole class". I guess this success kind of made up for that awkward experience I had during the concert afterwards, when I sat alone at the back of the hall. And besides, I had two outings with my ex-classmates after that.

Right now, I am exhausted, time for me to catch some Zs, especially after today's...pleasant...success.

Seriously, can't things get any worse?

If there's some higher being up there, I doubt that he is as all-loving as depicted in the Bible, Koran or whatever. Today's college clean-up...I don't know what to say, it wasn't a first class cock up, but calling it a success would be absolute bullshit. I dont think I am getting the respect I deserve (more like need) for being a CG rep. Not that I want it, but if I want to serve my class and my peers, it would be a bitch to attempt every task I am assigned to and not gain any recognition or even cooperation. While I know that some of my classmates are doing their bit, and perhaps more, others...f*ck it. Maybe it's me, perhaps I am unable to get instructions across everytime I do so, perhaps I am unable to maintain an aura of authority, but what do I know? Being questioned as if I did something wrong, as if I am an unreliable dog whose attempt at passing on instructions from the up-and-up should not be taken seriously. If any of my classmates manage to stumble upon this post, I would expect them to be at least a bit pissed. Still, this mostly one-sided "rant" would not be written without an emotional reason. I just hope for better days to come, or perhaps the day in which I can be recognised for my efforts, if any of it is seen in the first place.


Now, I shall try to do some schoolwork. That lazing sloth of a younger sister pissed me off big time not too long ago, not sure whether I would even bother to work on a subject which I despised in the first place.

Bored, when I am supposed to be studying.

The JCTs are over, not that this is something to be really happy about. Some of the papers were shit while most of them were just plain fucked up. At least I am able to enjoy a three day break, thanks to Youth Day, if only this can last forever. When school reopens, shit is going to hit the fan.

Self condemnation, a smart way of enlightening oneself.

I guess this has become a common occurrence during my JC life, a fucking wonderful one it has been. I set myself some crazy ass, high-up-in-the-sky expectations that could have been achieved with some good old diligence and determination, only to ignore or forget about them through a lack of initiative and a bout of laziness, fucking A. Looking down on myself and moaning about those lost opportunities is seriously doing wonders to my screwed up self esteem. This non-physical version of wrist cutting (it finally hit me) just makes things worse I guess, turning me into a more pessimistic version of thyself, with the mindset not dissimilar to that of the followers of that emo subculture whom I often despise. Yuck. No wonder I could not find any motivation to study for my JCT until now, and even then, I am running on desperation and urgency, nothing that fuels me even contains a pinch of motivation or vitality. All I have done, and perhaps, am still doing, is to search for any avenues of entertainment, video games, the internet, social gatherings, ec cetera. Any activities of academic value, perhaps, but the amount of time spent on them is rather miniscule. Optimism, bah!

Having the frequent habit of constantly looking at Facebook posts, photographs and videos from the past, is at times...heart-wrenching. Reminiscing about the past, when I thought that graduation will never come, and that the future is so far away, dreaming about it and messing around in the present isn't going to do any harm. Such a juvenile mindset, and yet, it brought me peace and contentment. Of course there were numerous ups and downs in those 4 years, yet, compared to my present situation...gosh, I don't know.

To be honest, my current J1 experiences could be similar to life as a Secondary One student, in the time of Rihanna's "Umbrella" and when the N70 was still reasonably new. I had new things to learn, my results were shit (except for a few), NPCC was tough (yes, but was a vacation compared to that PDP I left) and I had my social issues. Yet, this comparison is rather unfair, my life in TJC is much more complicated, indeed I do have the perks of being a student from a more or less established institution, and I am surrounded (not sure about motivated) by people of the same calibre (according to the MOE). As a Bedok Viewian, however, the life was simple. Of course CCA, lessons, moderate amounts of school work and 10+ hours of tuition per week might seem like a lot, but many often miss out on several factors, the huge amounts of free chronological material untouched by these activities, the miniscule amounts of stress that only spike for very, very brief moments, everyone was virtually carefree (to a certain extent).Carefree...ha! What a luxury it is to be carefree, and if one knows his economics, it carries a HUGE opportunity cost for a JC student. Sure, one can slack and "lepak" his way through the school year, the only thing is that he will have to repeat that school year all over again once his promotional results come in, might as well quit schooling altogether (or maybe enroll into a Poly, heard that life's good there).

Even though the past was indeed better, I can't do much about it. Reverting back to beige and white from Temasek green would be a fucking stupid idea. The school has changed quite a bit, most of the people I know and care about are already gone, it's not the BVSS that I am used to. Such is the unfairness of life, wonder why we bother living it when there's a 100% chance of dying in the first place?  So now, all I can do is to do my best, and prepare for the worst, or attempt to anyway. I just can't concentrate with all the distractions around me, plus I do not have much time left.

Reunion, gathering, whatever, as long as those guys are there.

I met up with two wonderful groups of people these past few days, my Pre-U seminar group, and my gang of nerds from Bedok View. After all the fun we went through, it's great to be able to sit down, relax, and reminisce about the wonderful times we've had, or just talk cock.

Monday was SG-15's BBQ, at that faraway place called the West Coast Park. Boy, compared to ECP, that place is infested with mosquitoes, and the scenery was "less than perfect". After shopping with Jason, Munsyi, Dillon and Haskel at some mall in Clementi, we got dropped off at one end of the park, forcing us to walk 3km with all our stuff, just to find our pit, the wrong directions given by some construction labourer did not help (Haskel shouted KNN when we went past him the 2nd time, bloody EPIC sia, 2nd only to Dillion running away from a insect filled grass patch like a sissy, no offence bro). Reaching our pit brought a little relief, the mosquitoes were still coming after our blood, damned pests. Slacking ensued, before we got sick and tired of waiting for everyone to come, and started lighting up the coals. Boy, the things we did when everyone arrived were not exactly what a frat boy would see as exciting, but talking about everything under the fun, cracking inside jokes, poking fun at each other, singing songs with out of tunes voices and going wild after finding out that we shared similar traits, made for a wonderful gathering. Too bad only around 10 of us could make it. Hopefully Jason's planned steamboat session would be even better.

Tuesday, it's the nerds' turn to have a great time.Unfortunately Nobel had to call my cellphone so as to wake me up, crap, that's meant that I was late. (Although almost everyone else was late, especially CK, the dog) After NOT enjoying myself in Texas Chicken (was comparing the food to Popeyes too much), we went to watch X-men: 1st class. The dog came in after the part where a young magneto fucked up a couple of Nazi soldiers, although I hardly took any notice. LAN came afterwards, too bad we could not have our usual fare of Battlefield 2 and Counter Strike, that damned LAN shop at Bedok Central had some stupid new rules that forces you to play for 3 hours at least just to get your money's worth, dicks. Still, Simpang Bedok wasn't so bad, even though we could only play CoD4 and dota (which for once, I actually played well *fist bump*).
Then it was pricey food at some nearby eatery, where the waitress was a bitch, and crashing Yan Zhong's place soon became an introduction to Team Fortress 2.

Those days seemed too much like one of those gatherings I had together with my BVSS friends/classmates/NPCC comrades during the post O' level slack-fest, where I savoured every moment, and lived life to the fullest. All those memories...haunt me till this day, along with all the memories I had when my uniform was white and beige, sometimes with shorts instead of trousers if the memories was from way back into the 1st years of life as a Bedok Viewian. Crap, now that my June common test is coming up ruins everything that was good about looking back at the past. Damn...no rest for the weary. Duty calls, time to get back to work (a.k.a start mugging).

To think the June holidays were 4 weeks of (more or less) slacking, for the past 10 years, even when the O levels were around the corner. F*cking hell...(shit, I can believe I even bother to censor that)

Relief? Sort of...

(Something I should have done 2 days ago)

So I finally did it, I finally quit OAC, the toughest and most feared of all PDPs in TJC. I can say that I am more or less relieved and liberated, although the circumstances in which I left the club was not exactly...pleasant.

It occured about 2 days ago, on Wednesday. I picked up my PDP withdrawal form 2 days before that, and I told the PDP tutors long ago about my (and my mom's) intention to leave the PDP which I was so enthusiastic about a few months ago. I attended morning training, as usual. I was planning to go for one last PT training in the afternoon before getting the signature of the tutor of my new PDP so as to cut the last of my ties with OAC. Plans...yeesh...some plan it turned out to be. After reporting in with the rest of the J1 team, in push-up position, a senior asked me about getting the PDP withdrawal form, after I replied, all I got was this,

"You can leave now."

Well that was bloody curt, and I was seriously taken aback. How the fuck did they know about this in the 1st place? To be honest, I was so fucking confused that all I did was to get up, walk past my ex-teammates, get my bag, and GTFO of the school compound. No goodbyes, nothing else, just plain silence as I got further and further away from the reporting area. I did not even have the chance to talk to the seniors, not that I wanted to, but I hoped to settle things down before I left. No chance for that now, never again.

4 more trainings till the June assessment camp, and I left. Fucked up timing, fucked up PDP life. I did not quit because of the physical strain (although it made a damned good incentive to do so), nor did the strict discipline, that threatened to hammer us down whenever we screwed up, contribute to me wishing to leave (still, this also made a damned good incentive). It was more of disillusionment, and parental pressure.

My mom wanted me to quit a long time ago, ever since I joined up and got the 1st 3 blisters in my life. It was only recently, when her disapproval became more profound, that I was under pressure to get out. I tried to calm her down, but she would not listen (too much). Hiaz...protective parents... not that I can blame her.

Of course, I cannot pin everything on "mummy". I started to become disillusioned a few weeks back. My enthusiasm waned when I realised none of my efforts at being a proper OACian was making any headway, my physique wasn't improving well enough and I am almost always alone during trainings. Besides, being ostracised day after day was not very good for my morale.

So now, I am no longer an OACian, even if I have not completed the paperwork. Perhaps I might regret my decision to quit later on, looking at how close I am to becoming an instructor (maybe not), but I will not entertain this thought right now. I suppose I have better things to do, and I have to scout for a new PDP, Debate seems nice.

Goodbye OAC, I hardly knew you.