Self condemnation, a smart way of enlightening oneself.

I guess this has become a common occurrence during my JC life, a fucking wonderful one it has been. I set myself some crazy ass, high-up-in-the-sky expectations that could have been achieved with some good old diligence and determination, only to ignore or forget about them through a lack of initiative and a bout of laziness, fucking A. Looking down on myself and moaning about those lost opportunities is seriously doing wonders to my screwed up self esteem. This non-physical version of wrist cutting (it finally hit me) just makes things worse I guess, turning me into a more pessimistic version of thyself, with the mindset not dissimilar to that of the followers of that emo subculture whom I often despise. Yuck. No wonder I could not find any motivation to study for my JCT until now, and even then, I am running on desperation and urgency, nothing that fuels me even contains a pinch of motivation or vitality. All I have done, and perhaps, am still doing, is to search for any avenues of entertainment, video games, the internet, social gatherings, ec cetera. Any activities of academic value, perhaps, but the amount of time spent on them is rather miniscule. Optimism, bah!

Having the frequent habit of constantly looking at Facebook posts, photographs and videos from the past, is at times...heart-wrenching. Reminiscing about the past, when I thought that graduation will never come, and that the future is so far away, dreaming about it and messing around in the present isn't going to do any harm. Such a juvenile mindset, and yet, it brought me peace and contentment. Of course there were numerous ups and downs in those 4 years, yet, compared to my present situation...gosh, I don't know.

To be honest, my current J1 experiences could be similar to life as a Secondary One student, in the time of Rihanna's "Umbrella" and when the N70 was still reasonably new. I had new things to learn, my results were shit (except for a few), NPCC was tough (yes, but was a vacation compared to that PDP I left) and I had my social issues. Yet, this comparison is rather unfair, my life in TJC is much more complicated, indeed I do have the perks of being a student from a more or less established institution, and I am surrounded (not sure about motivated) by people of the same calibre (according to the MOE). As a Bedok Viewian, however, the life was simple. Of course CCA, lessons, moderate amounts of school work and 10+ hours of tuition per week might seem like a lot, but many often miss out on several factors, the huge amounts of free chronological material untouched by these activities, the miniscule amounts of stress that only spike for very, very brief moments, everyone was virtually carefree (to a certain extent).Carefree...ha! What a luxury it is to be carefree, and if one knows his economics, it carries a HUGE opportunity cost for a JC student. Sure, one can slack and "lepak" his way through the school year, the only thing is that he will have to repeat that school year all over again once his promotional results come in, might as well quit schooling altogether (or maybe enroll into a Poly, heard that life's good there).

Even though the past was indeed better, I can't do much about it. Reverting back to beige and white from Temasek green would be a fucking stupid idea. The school has changed quite a bit, most of the people I know and care about are already gone, it's not the BVSS that I am used to. Such is the unfairness of life, wonder why we bother living it when there's a 100% chance of dying in the first place?  So now, all I can do is to do my best, and prepare for the worst, or attempt to anyway. I just can't concentrate with all the distractions around me, plus I do not have much time left.

Reunion, gathering, whatever, as long as those guys are there.

I met up with two wonderful groups of people these past few days, my Pre-U seminar group, and my gang of nerds from Bedok View. After all the fun we went through, it's great to be able to sit down, relax, and reminisce about the wonderful times we've had, or just talk cock.

Monday was SG-15's BBQ, at that faraway place called the West Coast Park. Boy, compared to ECP, that place is infested with mosquitoes, and the scenery was "less than perfect". After shopping with Jason, Munsyi, Dillon and Haskel at some mall in Clementi, we got dropped off at one end of the park, forcing us to walk 3km with all our stuff, just to find our pit, the wrong directions given by some construction labourer did not help (Haskel shouted KNN when we went past him the 2nd time, bloody EPIC sia, 2nd only to Dillion running away from a insect filled grass patch like a sissy, no offence bro). Reaching our pit brought a little relief, the mosquitoes were still coming after our blood, damned pests. Slacking ensued, before we got sick and tired of waiting for everyone to come, and started lighting up the coals. Boy, the things we did when everyone arrived were not exactly what a frat boy would see as exciting, but talking about everything under the fun, cracking inside jokes, poking fun at each other, singing songs with out of tunes voices and going wild after finding out that we shared similar traits, made for a wonderful gathering. Too bad only around 10 of us could make it. Hopefully Jason's planned steamboat session would be even better.

Tuesday, it's the nerds' turn to have a great time.Unfortunately Nobel had to call my cellphone so as to wake me up, crap, that's meant that I was late. (Although almost everyone else was late, especially CK, the dog) After NOT enjoying myself in Texas Chicken (was comparing the food to Popeyes too much), we went to watch X-men: 1st class. The dog came in after the part where a young magneto fucked up a couple of Nazi soldiers, although I hardly took any notice. LAN came afterwards, too bad we could not have our usual fare of Battlefield 2 and Counter Strike, that damned LAN shop at Bedok Central had some stupid new rules that forces you to play for 3 hours at least just to get your money's worth, dicks. Still, Simpang Bedok wasn't so bad, even though we could only play CoD4 and dota (which for once, I actually played well *fist bump*).
Then it was pricey food at some nearby eatery, where the waitress was a bitch, and crashing Yan Zhong's place soon became an introduction to Team Fortress 2.

Those days seemed too much like one of those gatherings I had together with my BVSS friends/classmates/NPCC comrades during the post O' level slack-fest, where I savoured every moment, and lived life to the fullest. All those memories...haunt me till this day, along with all the memories I had when my uniform was white and beige, sometimes with shorts instead of trousers if the memories was from way back into the 1st years of life as a Bedok Viewian. Crap, now that my June common test is coming up ruins everything that was good about looking back at the past. Damn...no rest for the weary. Duty calls, time to get back to work (a.k.a start mugging).

To think the June holidays were 4 weeks of (more or less) slacking, for the past 10 years, even when the O levels were around the corner. F*cking hell...(shit, I can believe I even bother to censor that)